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PornArticle 03/06 - Porn
The World Cup is starting soon (in 16 days time as I write this) and I thought I’d take time out of my busy schedule to talk to you all about the second thing I will be looking at on the internet during June and July (the first obviously being stories, pictures and stats on the World Cup). This monumental of industries defies conventional explanations, is very close to Chaff’s er… heart and can be summed up with a solitary monosyllabic word: Porn.
On a side note here readers, when the Chaffster moves mid-June to the Dead Badger Public House, he has had to hire a completely separate removal van just for his porn collection. Until recently I thought Chaff slept on a huge double bed, but I have now found out that he sleeps upon one thousand dirty magazines, that is approximately fifteen thousand naked women people [actually it is 16,712 naked women and a goat… and that picture I sent in to Reader’s Wives of Kev… I’ve counted you know… Chaff]. Where his mattress went is a mystery that Chaff is unwilling to share in case his mum realises that the sticky sheets of his bed conceal the motherload of porn. 
Porn comes in all shapes, sizes, positions and deviances on the internet. Some nasty evil stuff, which we won’t mention here, and a truck load of stuff we will. Internet porn is as diverse as all the species noted down by Charles Darwin while researching Evolution and often contains some of them.
Some of the stuff you can find is filthy, pleasantly so, but some is just plain nasty, badly so. Take Golden Showers (if you aren’t sure what they are, look them up) for instance. Why? I know people have diverse tastes and like different things, Chaff likes fisting, Delilah likes to name parts of my body (you’d never guess what Geoff is),  Kev gets erections in the tools department of B&Q (but not Homebase you sicko, he’s not a pervert you know), but why I still can’t get my head around golden showers I just don’t know. 1. You get wet, which isn’t a great start. 2. It's piss people! Urine, bodily waste, wee for fuck’s sake. I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake screaming “piss!” at them repeatedly.
Perhaps that’s where Disney got the idea of Scrooge McDuck’s money bin. You know, he dives in, swims around etc., a kind of gold bath.
Gold bath? More likely inspired by golden showers I would say. Damn those Disney perverts. Spreading their filth to the masses.
And have you noticed, everyone is getting in on the act. Internet porn is a phenomenon. An unstoppable force with the edict to bring down governments and start revolutions.
And we all know that the web has a pornsite for every perversion. Anything your sick and twisted perversion of a mind can think of someone else has already filmed/photographed it, stuck it on a tantalisingly named website, i.e. cheeseporn.com and stuck on a way for other perverts to contact you. But what I want to know is how people come up with these deviances. Take a friend of mine’s particular perversion [I know what you are thinking and no it’s not me… Chaff], having those cocktail stick umbrellas stuck into his penis while nun’s in balaclavas dance around to techno beats looped over a recording of him masturbating. Then take my perversion, Delilah the Brunette in nothing but a pair of socks and one of my hats. See, I know how I came by mine (as seen on delilahthebrunette.com by the way), I like hats, Delilah likes knee length socks, the rest is an active healthy mind. As for my pervert mate though, how on earth did he come up with that, was he just watching the Sound of Music while drinking a cocktail one day and suddenly the idea that he would like this sort of thing popped into his head fully formed, or was it a gradual process, built up through years of disgusting sexual perversity. Who knows people? One day I might ask him and one day he might stop asking me to join in.
Abergavenny for now, and I leave you with a teaser… are nuns real? Aren’t they just for show in films and lesbian nun pornos?
Royston.
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